My last relationship wasn’t even a bad one. We never argued. We were attentive to each other’s needs. We prayed together often. We talked about everything. We were so connected that once we even shared the same dream. It was surreal. Our bond was so strong.
We got engaged and marriage was on the horizon as our families prepared for the new normal. It crashed and horribly because the foundation it was built on was rotten. I discovered some things that had I known sooner, we would not have made it past the first month. (*This happened on more than one occasion. I had just decided I didn’t want to go through that another time.)
I gave so much of myself to it. So much of my love, my hope, my expectations. All of it shattered within 72 hours. We had some good experiences & I don’t regret the time that we shared. We both needed each other during that time in more ways than one.
Still, it hurt that he was willing to go through the lengths he did to cover up information. I couldn’t bring myself to continuing under those conditions, fearing potential future chaos. Our split was amicable. We truly did everything we could to save it, but things didn’t end up coming back together. We didn’t know how to refit the pieces.
My heart wishes him well. What’s wild is the dream that we shared was of us both breaking up with each other, which we had hoped would never happen. I once had a dream about a surprise engagement party which was very vivid and the feelings I felt felt very real. What’s interesting was that in that same dream, I woke up from that dream and told him about it. That was the last vivid dream I had. Alas, a dream inside a dream. What was preceeded by a vivid dream two months before we met, ended by one. In all, I feel like it was God saying that he really was just a dream.
Am I tapped out for love right now? I wish I weren’t, but every feeble attempt I have made with starting afresh has been quietly snuffed out. I don’t wrestle with whether or not I am worthy of love. I just struggle to find faith in humanity that it’s really out there to find.